but i am le tired

worrying and thinking too much is so tiring. on the set on sunday, while talking to the make-up artist, pris, she said something to me that hit me really hard -- "think so much about the future for what. make yourself more worried only. sometimes it is better to just go with the flow. life will just fall into place one. life's too short to keep thinking."

i just found out today i am not selected for the french or german language programme in university. i applied because i wanted to pick up a new language. but when i realised not doing well for the modules will pull my overall CAP score down, i had second thoughts. besides trying to fit those french classes into my schedule has been giving me lots of headache to say the least.

so today when the news broke, i wasn't all that upset. maybe for that split second i was, but after that i was more relieved more than anything. i took it as God telling me that He didn't want me to be doing french in uni. not doing french will also free me up to do other things that i wanted to do as well. so there's no headache now.

but what priscilla told me yesterday kept reveberating in my consiousness today. and i realised that i am also very sick and tired of thinking so much. i realised that the reason why i thought so much about my semester schedule was because i wanted to exert control over my life. why i desired control so much was because i felt that i didn't control my life 'better' earlier in my life thus far.

i asked her why did she go into this line. passion was her answer. she wanted to do something she wanted to do. and how long does she foresee herself doing this i asked. she quite simply said she didn't know. and then went on to tell me that she doesn't see a need to know. she's happy now. so be it.

so often, i get so embroiled about thinking about whether this is the right thing to do. whether i should be doing this or not. that i end up not doing a lot of things. like how in church, i used to be the one who was doing things. when i took it upon myself to 'do the things that matter' and 'to do God's will', i now suddenly find myself being so detached from the things i had set out to do. after a while, i would start getting paranoid and start wondering whether is this what i was meant to do. it's an insane cycle and it's driving me nuts. especially when my relationship with God is not exactly in the pink of health at the moment. how would you know His heartbeart if you are distant from Him?

then i realised i have been lacking the faith. the passion. the heart. i have over intectualised the faith. it all starts with that mustard seed.

and how i really bother too much about what people have got to think of me than i really care to. and all this when i really know i shouldn't. i lost count of the number of times i have told myself and others around me that it is God's opinion that counts most at the end of the day. ironically, it is this very preoccupation which i have gone about in a wrong way that has gotten me all fatigued. going around in circles.

and how i seem to be in an eternal rut that i can't seem to get out now. times like these -- i better not react to my whims and fancies. because if i do, i am bound to get myself into trouble.

why am i the way i am? it's getting so difficult. it just gets more difficult the more i try, and it's so hard to let God by letting go. and all this just as i thought things were getting better.

everybody just seem so far away right now. the people i used to talk to. so disinterested. so tired.