growing up

maybe it's like that. maybe that is what growing up is all about. i realised that my family's financial status is not as ok as i thought it was. primarily because my mother is being all too kind with her money. and to think she scolds me for lending other people money so often.

i feel so plagued with guilt. i was just talking to my sister when she told me everything. that mom instructed her not to tell me because she knows i will get very affected. i should not ask her for money anymore. i should not spend so much anymore. maybe i should even tell her i would give me some money each month. which i am not doing now. because it's allowance i am getting and not a salary -- although that sum is quite huge.

i just realised what an unfilial son i have been all this while. being so fradulent with my cash and all. i feel like dying.

things are not as simple as it seems. i do not even want to get started on my extended family. which makes my blood boil even more. i do not even know where to start. there are simply too many issues to deal with.

maybe i should quit thinking of chasing those dreams and aspirations and do something 'practical'. and go get a degree and get a stable job. and to prevent my mom from going without money in her pockets again. no wonder she keeps packing lunch from leftover dinner the night before. no wonder she keeps doing weird stuff like borrowing money from my sisters.

ugh. i cannot believe how oblivious i was to my immediate surroundings. i just can't.

on today's a-thank-you-a-day-keeps-the-demons-at-bay series, thank GOD for what i read in the Bible today. for reiterating that the closer my relationship with HIM, the better we will be at handling people and my relationships with others. that underlying all fear is a sense of being inadequate to meet the problems of human living. once the problem of inward inadequacy has been dealt with and solved then fear drops away like a dead leaf.

i guess i just have to accept that as i grow older and know more things about my mom and all, life will also get tougher. i just have to cope with it, whether i like it or not. but i can do it only with GOD's strength. i really have no idea how. but i know this is the one and only way to go. victory over fear. i guess that's what being christian is all about.

in other news, i think at least one of my sisters are coming for the youth camp! hopefully i can get the both of them to come for it!