of clearing up and letting go

i spent the good part of today clearing up the mess that is my room. the accumulated mess of my whole twenty-one years. sure, i did clear up here and then. but this is really a massive brutal operation to throw away as much as i can. my room is getting way too cluttered. too much remnants of my past still remain. believe it or not, i found my O level physics text hidden in some box!

things i found today include my primary 6 science scrap book -- the one i used to do all the theory activities for those science cards; my primary 5 chinese composition assignment which i scored 19 out of 20; my notes from my english oratorical lessons in primary 6; my project on death which i did in J2.

but taking the cake today was stumbling on my chinese assignments i did in my time in jurong institute. back then, i had a most fantastic teacher in mdm ong, for two years. she knew where i came from and my preoccupation with my past. she encouraged me not to dwell on the mistake i made at O levels and to be courageous enough to face the future. even though i sucked in the language, especially when it came to writing, she encouraged me to explore new grounds in the language. my c5 for the language was really her credit, coz when i got another teacher in J3, i lost interest and got a d7 at my second attempt!

i wanted to keep those assignments for old time's sake, but it would have defeated the purpose of clearing up. i knew these had to go, coz they belonged in the past. i had no concrete use for them, like those involving geography and literature, so they had to go.

i filled 5 big thrash bags today. and as i brought them to the garbage dump, a part of me went with them too. but i know it's necessary. so many times in the past, i hoarded so many things on the pretext that 'these may come in handy later'. more often than not, they remained unused and occupying precious storage space in my room.

in a way, my room resembles my state of mind and being. the way my room is arranged is very much my mom's creation. i am only beginning to come into my own domain by rearranging things my way. my mom isn't too happy about it, but i suspect she's not showing it because she knows i'm old enough to make decisions for my own self. or it could be she's just too happy i am finally getting rid of the junk in my room.

the clutter is also a metaphorical representation of how cluttered my mind is right now. and the time to clear it is now. at least start. coz 21 years of nonsense cannot be cleared in a single day. and even as i am beginning to sort out my life -- as in really deal with issues i have swept aside those many years ago -- i really ought to start clearing my room up. after all, just as i cannot run a race with so much weight tied to my ankles, i cannot possibly live in a room so filled with useless relics from my past -- not when i have yet to enter university and a life ahead to lead.

as my primary school motto states -- we look ahead.

p.s. wish me luck as i embark on part 2 of operation clear the clutter at ikea, to look for a new and bigger book shelf to accomodate my burgeoning collection of books, notes and CD's.