when all it means is closure

fiesta'03 was a blast. i was really tired out. but working with joel, weijie, george, jia-en, yanting, derrick and a whole bunch of gurls from the classes of '01 and '02 was really fun. we manned the 'funkie-dunk' stall. where people pay to get people wet. i was in charge of the ad's for the stall. and i thought being corny and senseless was the way to go. it was way kewl.

but being at fun fair also meant meeting people from my past. adeline, my senior from the class of '96 said something that epitomed what fiesta'03 was about for me. she told me that she was so glad just to finally meet someone who looked as if he/she hasn't changed all these years in me. i thought that statement was rather condescending at first thought, but i have known adeline for so long now. never really close. but enough to know she didn't mean it any way negative.

but it hit me hard. i realised that the fairfield i missed is the fairfield that is encapsulated in my 1998 yearbook. that nothing can be ever done to recreate the mood and atmosphere of yesteryears. that people move on. that no matter how on i can feel and want to do things for the school or meet up as a class again, others do not. i saw my 4C classmates. they seem so aloof, so indifferent, so different to compared a few years ago. i recalled the track meets we used to practise for with a vengeance. i remembered how we won the 4 by 400m relay for boys with me running the third leg, by only a nipple's length, with raymond as the anchor.

those recesses when my class would sit at the second row together to eat loh-mee on even days and laksa on odd days. and maybe the malay food or the wantan mee or the chicken mee. or maybe the odd economical rice. those times when we had to rack up the points for the 'model class of the year' competition by setting up a schedule when we would all march up the library to borrow books en masse just to beat the competition posed by 4A -- the top class with book worms who read books as if they were drinking water. we borrow books not to read, but to return the next day. we were concerned with the satistics, not the knowledge obtained. we would do everything except study.

but point is. i should not waste my time and move on as well.

it is difficult knowing how i tend to cling onto things that i know i cannot have. it's an undeniable part of my psyche. vincent jokingly(or at least that was what i think) says he understands why i cling onto fairfield so much coz i dun have much of a choice, since fairfield is 'the lesser of the two evils' -- since i dun have a 'glam' school like acjc -- but i choose to differ. fairfield represented the time of my life that was perhaps the most signficant. as napkin man correctly put again, if i had chosen to go to acs(i) in the first place after psle, i would prob have been clement that national swimmer or clement that something-something'. but somehow by the will of God, i chose fairfield. and it gave me so much, even though when i was in it, i didn't think that way. but by virtue of the fact that it taught me so much as a social being, i feel so indebted to it i have to give back in a tangible way.

thank God for fiesta'03. i finally made sense out of something.