doing my best versus striving for perfection

today in church. what judith and ailing shared hit a raw nerve in me. today's sermon was just God's effort -- in ailing's words -- to 'cheer us all up'. reminded that doing my best does not always equate to striving for perfection. because how we define perfection is quite different from how God defines it. most of the time. at least for me.

this whole weekend. God just answered and answered and answered.

took half-day leave on friday afternoon to spend some time with shawn before he leaves for the states. the whole afternoon i was swamped by calls from my office of how the two warrant officers were trying to un-do the work i have set for my guys to do -- insisting that their work was more important. i shan't even go into the intricate details here. but point is. i was damn pissed. i was prepared to declare all-out war with them come monday. i felt totally justified. but then i also didn't feel the peace of God on my heart.

while i know i cannot be a pushover, i cannot be confrontational as well. i needed to react in a way that is befitting of His nature. all afternoon, shawn was reminding me not to return tit for tat. that 2 heads clashing would not be good. after all, i would still have to work with them. at least for a while more. whether or not they would leave would depend on how much will my new boss has to get rid of those 2 incompetent fools.

that was just one thing on my chest.

the second was whether to continue leading BB cell on wednesdays or to give that up for disciple training school weekly teachings on the same day. i had to decide by the weekend.

at heartbeat leaders' retreat, saturday morning, kent ridge park, morning devotion. june talked about us being here to serve people. and not to be served. it hit me. i knew God was just reaffirming what He has placed on my heart all this while. that there's a time and place for everything. that in the current 'season', He wants me to continue doing the cell on wednesdays. after all, i am doing something for younger people. being there for them. at this stage, i think that's more important. i mean, i can always go for dts another time.

then as we went back to our bunks to start the whole process of charting heartbeat's direction. it hit me that i have been far too self-absorbed in my life. it's always coming to church and feeling comfortable with the usual people. i remember how i used to grab ben and joshua to cell every sunday when they run. that was before army. when was the last time i brought someone to church or said hello to some new face in service or taking up an interest in someone?

cults florish despite their warped teachings because they show that they care about people. and people are attracted to that. they do not want to know what trivia you know about the Bible, they just need to know that you care. i thought of how people like kelvin, ailing, shawn, weikang and daniel were there when i needed a listening ear. someone to listen without judging. without thinking that i am whining. or when they think i am whining, they would rebuke me in a way that would cause me to do something about it instead of destructively criticising me.

i have received so much. i always wanted to give. wondered how. and thought i was trying damn hard. but really. when i see winston's efforts in talking about God to kai qing for example. i am just so...ashamed. i am getting really too comfortable for my own good.

i have always whined about bothering about people who do not even regard my advice as concern but as of me being nosy and trying to make decisions for others. why don't i just rechannel this concern to people who are open to me? this is not to say that i totally cut these people out of my life. it just means that i have to reassess my options and that i am not perfect.

simply because i am a sinner and am far from perfection. i do realise i need to alter my tendency to talk too much for example. while i think i am talking a lot less, there still leaves a lot to be desired. i must listen more. God did not give me two ears and only one mouth for nothing!

the sermon today talks about resolving to want to honour God before we can even decide to honour Him in the first place. i just realised that was God did in me the last couple of months and in the past year. it has been a whirl wind journey. ailing remarked that she thinks i have grown so much in such a short while. but i shudder to think that this is it. because i know there's more to come. it's so exciting. yet so difficult. but still i want some more.

bring it on!