afterthoughts -- more than deja vu?

just caught the first episode of band of brothers yesterday. it brought back memories of the not too distant past. it brought back the ideals that i used to harbour about the military. why i decided to want to become an officer in the first place. why everything used to be the way they were with me. and why everything things are like that about me right now. well. not exactly entirely. but enough.

the character played by david schwimmer is a total arsehole to begin with. in the pilot episode, he initially shows himself to be the most brutal trainer of men around. being unreasonable, totally old-school army. however when it came to orienteering his men around, he lost his way not once, not twice, but thrice. gradually his men lost all confidence in him because while he expected high standards from his own men, he was of shambolic quality himself. and the thing that did it for me was when he tried to deflect blame to his more capable junior lieutanants.

he is the epitome of misplaced pride in a typical officer where i am now. in my days of training, i told myself repeatedly -- never to pretend. act only what you are. do not pretend to have something you do not have. and that was to be my downfall. i refused to be brain washed by those idiots who think that officers HAVE to know EVERYTHING. or at least SHOW that we know everything. i think this is disgusting. that's being known for things that are not me. i know the part about not panicking so that you can inspire confidence and calmness in your men, but not putting on a deliberate show. but never this.

but the rest of the pilot episode that i watched was great stuff. the comaraderie and the values. ok. so maybe hollywood is a factor. how they tend to distort the truths to make it more watchable. so that the story can be told better. but i was drawn to the military in the first place by shows as such. so maybe i was deceived. my ideals were misplaced as well.

i am growing up. this show reminds. reminds me the reason why i am so unhappy. and a reminder therefore not to over-work. and to do what is important for myself. not others.