when pleasing everyone is not possible

i discovered what i have forgotten all this while. my issue with pride. and how egoistical i have become in the process. my problem with self esteem. the way i have been talking about it. i thought it was just me whining my heads off to people i know. but apparently it is not even a matter of choosing my audience. everyone around me thought i was just being over-bearing. and nobody ever told me about it until now.

as part of my outward reaction to my zero sense of self worth, i started talking about my work more. and sub-consciously i attached my rank to my identity. i find that thought totally revolting. but then again. when has the truth not hurt? my ego has disguised itself as low self-esteem. and i have believed in its attempt to bluff me. i have been living a lie all this while.

i am grappling with a lot of perspectives on things right now. how a simple act can be interpreted by different people differently. i guess i just need to be sensitive to people. but is being sensitive to people all around me the same as pleasing everyone? and we all know that it's impossible to please everyone. someone once told me not to even try doing that. coz i will end up killing myself.

another thing is to really choose my audience. the issue of what i should say to whom and when. it finally dawn upon me that being real does not equate to telling everyone everything about me and letting them decide. coz it means i would not be a good friend. someone who keeps promises to
keep things away from others. things that people may have told me in trust and in confidence. in short, credibility. i need to be credible and
accountable for the things i have done. by choosing to type mass emails to everyone updating them on my life. i think i am just making a choice. i am choosing to lay myself bare and as a result, be subjected to all kinds of judgement. in my emails and blogs, i may have portrayed people negatively unwittingly. i guess at the end of the day it depends on my intention. on my part, i have always tried to maintain a perspective. I re-examined why i started doing all these mass mails and decided to blog like this in the first place. why do i choose to lay bare and be vulnerable to people's judgement? i guess it was my way of maintaining contacts with my friends. to let them know what's going on in my life. and in the event that they need encouragement. maybe. just maybe they would get it from God's work in my life. just that pure and simple. along the way, i have strayed. like those times when i vented my anger.

it sucks feeling so small, so puny, so inadequate. but i should have been feeling like that all the while. but now, it's a matter of suppressing pride. and letting more of God and less of myself into the picture. i really dunno how, but i am going to leave it all to Him.