when being alone is not being lonely

i have been so totally blown away the last few weeks. just when i thought God was done with the 'thing' He has started in me last year, He just came and blew me away with startling new revelations of what He thought of me the last month or so. these 'new' things i realised were nothing 'new' per se, but are actually things i have always been doing or saying, without acknowledging the pattern of it all. it's like not being able to see your own image unless you look into a mirror. this is a season which i look especially hard at myself in the mirror. and make a choice -- to change what i know is not in His image. or to put away God -- once again.

i could not accept that things have been this bad. i could not comprehend how nobody had the courage to tell me off earlier. how they should just startle me and shock me from complacency earlier. when i recall the occasions where i exhibited such negative attributes, i cringe.

but i also realise that God reveal truths about us only when we are ready for it. it's all in His own timing. for example, i would probably have bulked at the fact that i am emotionally dependent on some people a few months back. but with recent developments, i realised that this is true. only if i acknowledge that i need help that God would do His thing in me. it's really that simple. really.

along the way however, i have stepped on the toes on many of my friends. asking why this and why that have taken a toll on what people can tolerate of me. a few days ago, when i told someone that i would act upon the revealations about myself -- amongst them, my tendency to articulate my problems far too often, treating my friends as my punching bag -- i seriously did not know how i was going to go about 'changing', except for the fact that this is only going to be a reality with His help.

but now i do. at first it was really shocking. and i mean really shocking. but now i thank God for showing me how i can help myself. and to that someone, i seriously do pray you would see a different me when u return.